A broken strings of "love"

Hello all,

Sorry for taking a while to update this blog again. I’ve been completely busy with my work & training, emotionally stressed and getting started with my personal business (Alhamdulillah, everything goes with the plan I’d done).

Apparently in last two weeks I finally tasted love when it’s filled in the air. No kidding…. 2 weeks before I angau with someone tau. He’s (yes, it’s HE… not SHE.. apetah lagi SHEMALE. Ramai ingat aku nie Lesbian, apa kes muka aku nie jadi Les?) not a gorgeous type but he’s fair and havethe sweetest smile that makes all la femme goes crazy. I’d meet him while undergo training in N9. But it does take 2 days for me before I begin to “like” him. When he tries to make an eye contact (I mean in professional way) I tried to look somewhere else. Lucky that I’d worn a tinted spectacle. I can look at him without he realized it… Hence, he is a sleepy head during the training session. ;p

While in the ice breaking session, everybody needs to tell their hobby to each other and he’s telling the same hobby like mine. Listening to music and singing (NO!!!! I’m not saying that I like to sing, but I’d just tell them that I love listened to the music). I hope he doesn’t freak out when he found out that I like Prince and Metallica. ;p

God do test me during the training… we both had bumped to each other couple of times, and surprised by it. At one time he gives his smile at me and I’d blushed myself all the time (shame... shame). Oh my God, how love does stuck in me like a magnet. I start to think that if both of us could “meet” each other after the training session. Both of us work in the same company but I’m not sure if he works in the same place as me.

I keep secret about my crush on him. Surprisingly, I’d taken few candid pictures of him accidentally because the facilitator’s positions are in between of him and I. Gila aku tak angau…. He’s got the sweetest smile and gestures, even in the pictures. He’s photogenic!!!!

I’d asked God if he’s the one for me. Dah few times I’d bumped him and…. I don’t want to waste my time crushing on somebody. I just want to get assured that I’m not feeling this alone and feel stupid.

Today God granted my wish. I’d bumped him again at nasi lemak stall near the office. Our car comes in opposite and park on the same road. My heart pumped slower. I catch a glimpse of that driver’s silhouette in the car. I’m extremely surprised to see him in that car. I gave myself few looks on him for confirmation. It’s like a freezing moment for me. Yes, I’m confident that it’s him. I knew his eyes “catch” me first and decide to turn himself somewhere else. Apparently he comes with his girlfriend…. and I'm shouting to myself in my car ;(

OH NO !!!!!!

I feel completely obsolete. Like a love balloon popped out from my hand. His girlfriend went out from his car and heading to the stall too. Try to act like usual, I walk lifelessly to the stall and still gives him few looks (another confirmation looks) although he won’t give his eyes on me. No smile comes out from him. He’s different from what I’d seen before. I’ve gotten a mixed feeling while standing beside his girlfriend at the stall. I need to queue up to buy nasi lemak. Then I decide to buy the kuih instead and left the stall earlier. I didn’t look at him at all and I’d drove off quickly back to the office and feeling sober about it. I guess I’m over doing it. I need to stop crying my heart out. I’m emotionally driven by letting myself accepting the uncertainty merry of love. I was stupid for thinking about him few days back. Oh boy…. The crush really does strikes me good this time.

Of course for me it’s was only a crush. I like him, seriously. Although in a weeks ago he’s my special “moments” on my life…. I’m single and I can have the entire crush on the men that I like. It gives me disappointment if the person we knew for a few days didn’t even want to say hi or smile at me. Alas, he’s work in the same area like me…. We could bump to each other again maybe. I’m wondering what the hell is wrong with me or it’s me that playing fools over myself.

I began to realize that I’m still not an attractive woman (pathetic!!!). I’m blindfolded; I need to work hard to carry myself forward. I’m already 25 years old, my thoughts are still fragile and never been loved.

What the fuck that I’d wrote earlier?… I’m an attractive woman, I could act bitch, and still happy over myself. I take all the previous moment as my inspiration to move forward and never feel regret about it.

I should write about my best friend wedding (last Saturday) after this. But you know, after this experience, I have to find an extra courage in order I’m not emotionally driven to cry my heart out. God do knows the best for me and maybe I’m not prepared to hold the strings of love.