I was wondering why I'd been chosen to lead this kind of life. I'm lost on the way to grip the truth of me. I was waving my hand for help but no one would really help me. They said I've got to learn but nobody wants to teach me. I think I'm completely fool of myself.
I was born to be "compared" to others human being. Day by day, the pride and proud of myself shattered by the human justification. I look at myself and sighing over the degradation of both of my outer and inner beauty. I keep asking that is this the face that people wants to see ? Is this the characteristic that would make people love me and is this the gestures that makes people trust me. What is wrong with me from everybody's eyes ?
I know some others people does experienced this kind of feeling. But they still looks beautiful and have a life. But not me. Everyday, my cells is decaying... my smile is meaningless and my tears will be unseen. I'm missing something that call "young".
Today, I'm trying to accept that I'd lost my 10 years younger of beauty. I'm not ready to "enter" this kind of league. I'm too young for this. The face faking the real me. Why oh why....
I was wondering that if it was "ME" that makes he (some people knows who) hates me so much. Am I too honest to say something true or I'm too ugly to out voice myself ? I'm not chicken... I've been challenged to do so. The disastrous result is, I've been hated and banned by Him but the people that had challenged me is "saved". I convince that if a girl is "beautiful" that raise her voice to Him, her pieces of a mind might or will be accepted. But why don't ME ??? what's wrong with me ? Yeah, sexy lady wins a guy's heart. I'm sorry i didn't have those fascinating feature.
Vern, if you read this... it is not about you. You are not challenge me for doing "that". Thank you for the support.
It's hard to tell exactly what happened. I just have to keep the bitterness of it myself. I can't share it as nobody really wants to listen or comfort me. In my life, there is a lot's of backstabber and will do anything to hold me down.
I guess I now understand the meaning of "ugly and beauty". It is a double standard thing and I've to witness this everytime and everywhere I go. People gesture didn't lie. All his pretty words or smile kills me. I can't explain.. but I know what he meant. I don't think that I'm too emotional. But I'm just a poor soul who had witnessed the most shattered things happens to me lately.
I wish I could disappear myself from all of this. Maybe nobody would missed me. My hearts is trembling and I've to serenade her. But it's a saddest melody to be expected. God, please sing to me your whistle winds. I'm here to reminiscing and cry myself in your hands. It may self-destruct me if I can't handle this. Because I'm afraid of my portrait everytime I stand in front of the mirror.
I'd self created shalom in my heart, but I wonder if it's helps me.
I'm asking who really I am and why I'm fighting this battle of shame. So hopeless to seek for an honor. Instead, I'd died unremembered.
I should leave... I can only say I love you if you really care for me. I'd just made a big mistake for being such an honest. I really do :(
I was born to be "compared" to others human being. Day by day, the pride and proud of myself shattered by the human justification. I look at myself and sighing over the degradation of both of my outer and inner beauty. I keep asking that is this the face that people wants to see ? Is this the characteristic that would make people love me and is this the gestures that makes people trust me. What is wrong with me from everybody's eyes ?
I know some others people does experienced this kind of feeling. But they still looks beautiful and have a life. But not me. Everyday, my cells is decaying... my smile is meaningless and my tears will be unseen. I'm missing something that call "young".
Today, I'm trying to accept that I'd lost my 10 years younger of beauty. I'm not ready to "enter" this kind of league. I'm too young for this. The face faking the real me. Why oh why....
I was wondering that if it was "ME" that makes he (some people knows who) hates me so much. Am I too honest to say something true or I'm too ugly to out voice myself ? I'm not chicken... I've been challenged to do so. The disastrous result is, I've been hated and banned by Him but the people that had challenged me is "saved". I convince that if a girl is "beautiful" that raise her voice to Him, her pieces of a mind might or will be accepted. But why don't ME ??? what's wrong with me ? Yeah, sexy lady wins a guy's heart. I'm sorry i didn't have those fascinating feature.
Vern, if you read this... it is not about you. You are not challenge me for doing "that". Thank you for the support.
It's hard to tell exactly what happened. I just have to keep the bitterness of it myself. I can't share it as nobody really wants to listen or comfort me. In my life, there is a lot's of backstabber and will do anything to hold me down.
I guess I now understand the meaning of "ugly and beauty". It is a double standard thing and I've to witness this everytime and everywhere I go. People gesture didn't lie. All his pretty words or smile kills me. I can't explain.. but I know what he meant. I don't think that I'm too emotional. But I'm just a poor soul who had witnessed the most shattered things happens to me lately.
I wish I could disappear myself from all of this. Maybe nobody would missed me. My hearts is trembling and I've to serenade her. But it's a saddest melody to be expected. God, please sing to me your whistle winds. I'm here to reminiscing and cry myself in your hands. It may self-destruct me if I can't handle this. Because I'm afraid of my portrait everytime I stand in front of the mirror.
I'd self created shalom in my heart, but I wonder if it's helps me.
I'm asking who really I am and why I'm fighting this battle of shame. So hopeless to seek for an honor. Instead, I'd died unremembered.
I should leave... I can only say I love you if you really care for me. I'd just made a big mistake for being such an honest. I really do :(
4 comments:
one thing i tell u my friend, if u let others to judge u, u will never, ever be beautiful enough, intelligent enough, brave enough, etc.
when people say, beauty is skin deep, i 100% believe it. i believe that this face, these hands, this body given by Him is just pieces of instruments, for my true-self is actually a brilliant light inside my heart. i do believe that my light is a blazing red fire that shines brighter than venus :)
do u think tht u have a big heart? that u're beautiful there (pointing to ur chest)? i believe that you are much much more beautiful than some people that i knew for years. i believe He gave you those 'instruments' for a purpose.
please don't ever doubt His unseen intentions aziya. you can shoo-off those who think that they are better than you (in fact, THEY are the losers), and embrace Him in return.
luv,
azzu
Azzu: Thank you my girl... I never judge God on what he'd done to me... but people seems to "reject" me... I cried over the ugliness of me. I nearly can't accepted it.
I keep questioned myself.. is this price i should pay for being such a honest. I hate to see the human justification eyes. I knew it... it hurts.
I'd nearly thinking of running away from everyone i loved. "Beauty" makes people happy and they embrace and praise of your presence... but I rather live as an ugly creature. Because I don't work hard to get an attention.
But sometimes.. patience can kills. How long i can survive this ?
I don't mind of losing people that I care who hates me. But I love him and wouldn't let him fall. In the name of "friendship". But now he abandoned me.. completely. I guess I should moving on.
saya agree with azzu.
Darling, there are worse things in life than not being good enough etc. We were born perfect, sayang- we can breathe easily, we can look, we can smell, we can touch, we can talk, we can talk, we can hear. That's beauty in itself, the ability to do things that most ppl take for granted (we do too, as we are more wont to critisize god for making us look a certain way, but not thank him for all the other blessings).
You are beautiful, you have to know that.
take care.
lyana: Thanks lyana... the pressure really shredded me apart.. I'm regaining myself from it. I don't know why that person hate me so much... but it's okay. I'll walk away
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