Maybe some of you knows that I'm "so called-lone-ranger" that soaring all crooks and nannies by myself... solve every doubts and matters that constantly slapped on my face.... alone. Yes I have few people that cares for me... but there's nothing much they can do. I might not good with words or telling lies or praise, people sees me as a vulnerable girl.. yet I should careful with my honesty. I don't have the strong element as people sees me everyday. My laugh or smile is the way I "entertain" friends... I thank God for that, people doesn't see me, a broken hearted princess, most of the time.
I thank God that He keeps me busy with the weight of the world so that I don't keep weeping myself due to endless loneliness. I knew that I was unfit to be a Postgrad student because I'm not strong enough to carries the burden of studying. But God has "reserved" my fate by gives me a hard time of juggling two careers at the same time. Yes I was exhausted... but then when I sit back and look at my schedule.. I praise God for this.... He takes me away from feeling lonely because of my nature.
But sometimes He gives a moment for me to feel the loneliness... and let me tell you that it's hurt and makes me cries. Only few of this loneliness moment gives me calmness and peace so I can spend a time to love myself more. By shopping and spas. But it was misinterpreted I don't have girlfriends or boyfriends, maybe they avoiding to hang out with me.. or maybe I'm avoiding them because I was unfit to be a social butterfly. I'd tried to mingled myself with few friends activities.. but I better stay the way I am... I'll joined them if I'm comfortable to be in it...
I don't spend out my weekday nights or weekends with friends (and yes I'm already gave up holidays because of this hectic schedule). My life consists of God, Family,Career, Car and Laptop... I hope that I don't gave up the "Leisure" permanently ... some people I'd seen were having a hard time with their life but manage to have a good leisure like going to beach, waterfalls, other countries or any leisure that they could think of... unfortunately they still feels the burden of the world and breakdown... I wish they weren't in my situation or they might commit suicide..
I haven't visit any waterfalls for 24 years... last seeing the beach are last year but it's an hour break from professional course I'd attended.. not for my personal break. My family weren't fond kind to go for a trip... last effective family trip was about 13 years ago and it makes me a boredom child. I was crazy enough to go for emergency trip to K.Kinabalu last year for 2 days 2 night ... but wasn't satisfy enough... It reminds me of my Dad "gambled" my post-Diploma's holiday by sending me back to Sandakan alone to my aunties house for nearly 2 weeks and I ended up very sick due to food poisoning. Nothing to do @ Sandakan during that time because I don't have a car license's yet.
Hell yeah until today I'm fueled up with "benzene-boredom" but with hectic schedule... I couldn't understand why. In order to consume some of the boredom, I'm willing to go shopping by myself, dine-in any restaurant myself, singing to myself, drive myself anywhere I want to go.. I've done 10 hours shopping by myself .. alone at The Curve and sipping some good latte at IKEA... alone and I realized that people look at me like a I'm a totally "loser"... bring myself alone in the public, carries heavy shopping bags alone.... people tend to look me awfully because I'm having dinner by myself in restaurant with. What's wrong with me eating pasta alone in the restaurant ??? Yes their perceptions makes me awkward.... no wonder some friend are so afraid dine-in any restaurant alone.....Trust me I'd gone that hell of moment nearly everywhere. I look like a desperate & hungry aardvark !!!!
Pathetically yes, I don't have a special man in life (If Abah read this... yes Abah, honestly.. your daughter is still single). Since I didn't know the meaning the lover's relationship until I was intoxicated with the information / knowledge about couple's so- love's in the air stuff... No man comes to my life, have their interest in me yadda... yadda. I'm okay with that... few good friend of mine are male friends, compare to female. (In ratio of 3:5). I should embed the loop audio file says "I'm completely fine" in my brain... because everytime I see friends getting married, I was like... speechless .. and think if I'd done something wrong for not commit to any relationship and getting married.
But then I have a few friends that still single as me... around their 30's and they living their life to the fullest... (well they have their beauty unlike me.. I'm a old hag grumpy aardvark... I'm 26 but people says I'm 34... grrrrr!!!! )... then, I should embed another audio file in my brain lingering the words "I don't give a damn"...
but then I fell out from my own alter-ego... I couldn't live in world of ignorance most of the time... you'll left out or unlovable by people or most worst.. unnoticed!!!... More or less I have few friends that have the same situation and we are perfect in terms of sharing our worrisomeness and we are still happy shiny people
At one boiling point, I'd questioned myself that am I was born to be loved???... Until now it remains unanswered .... I'm hoping that God always reminds me that He's the one that decides my fate... Subhanallah.
Is this the time that I shouldn't feel bad that I feel bad for thinking about love?
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