It takes a few months to years of experience just to accumulate my evaluations of my personally thought towards some of my friends. It's pretty unusual for me to counter back the "wrongdoings" they had done to me. Because I always believe that all of us... the earthlings, are born to make mistakes...
To begin this story of despair... I dare to say that I don't have lots of bestfriends or basically friends... I used to have the agonizing Paris Hilton's "BFF stamp mark" on my forehead before it takes me many many years to realize that I've been ironically cheated by a particular friend.
For overall reason, I don't create a certain benchmark to befriend with anybody... particularly, I'm just a young woman who tries to live in my own dreams,
................ not really cares of what other views gituh (for sake of their benefits sajork, not mine... how is that make me live anyway?)... my choice of living and I could abide the endurance of befriend a bitch and a bigot... in certain period of time.
I just don't get it.... I think I'd welcomed anybody to befriends with me.... however until today, I can count how many friends that actually befriends me without benefit. A friend that befriends me for what I am. I know some of you had felt it the way I do ... Some of you can't lived without many friends, you feel like a sore loser (sorry Syazwan huhuhu).. I completely understand that..... percayalah
and some of you are okay with lessen amount of friends. Nobody in this world wants to live lonely.
I think I'd "matured" 5-8 years older than my "supposed" age... do the math if you had figured out how old I am this year. During the high school era, I'm always stay with my own-selves, doing my own things .... I'm an invisible ghetto that sings to myself.... just to content myself. Yes, I can sing... nobody knows. It doesn't mean I'm a negligence person, although I did make few severe mistakes.... I know it's regrettable... it's a history.. everybody moves on.
Due to my oddness... some of my girlfriends hates me. Mostly because I always manage to get away over my accidental misdemeanor... because teacher loves me *laugh* and on top of ice, few guys betting among themselves just to make me a heartbroken chick with a careful plan they'd made.... and its successfully struck my nerves and hates guy (and girls) even more...
but that time I'm a little immature... it did influences me about my relationship with men (cerita lain)
I'll talk about men I'd knew in next few post... because it takes another huge effort to rant about it without crying myself in front of notebook *sigh* .. okay move on!
Since in my younger era I'm devoted to pursue my higher education... no special boyfriends in my personal goal that time (baik betul aku hohoho!!!). So I create my own activity like joining a celebrity fan club, doing HTML, T-shirt / PSD design, window shopping alone yadda... yadda
By that period I'd meet some people that I can call a true friends (gila aksi stunt aku buat tue!!), I think I'm struck a goldmine gitu... however am such a fool. Gila... I've been fooled hidup-hidup okay... I pernah hampir mati also.... but for sake of true friends, I take it as journey of living (sentimental sangat... bodoh betul :p).... I do realize something about this particular friend, he/she cannot bear on their mind to see me on top of them.... bukan so-called position "on top" opppsss!!! frankly speaking they must ensured themselves that they must be better than me... on everything.
Gila....
I know I'm physically disadvantage as a "flubber", I only got a small car paid monthly by my father... what kind of things they found in me that makes them feel threatened. So kesian hor !!! After considered the harsh word that couldn't "hurts" their feeling... so I called them a kiasu people... Chinese / Manglish knows it better than I do
To begin this story of despair... I dare to say that I don't have lots of bestfriends or basically friends... I used to have the agonizing Paris Hilton's "BFF stamp mark" on my forehead before it takes me many many years to realize that I've been ironically cheated by a particular friend.
For overall reason, I don't create a certain benchmark to befriend with anybody... particularly, I'm just a young woman who tries to live in my own dreams,
................ not really cares of what other views gituh (for sake of their benefits sajork, not mine... how is that make me live anyway?)... my choice of living and I could abide the endurance of befriend a bitch and a bigot... in certain period of time.I just don't get it.... I think I'd welcomed anybody to befriends with me.... however until today, I can count how many friends that actually befriends me without benefit. A friend that befriends me for what I am. I know some of you had felt it the way I do ... Some of you can't lived without many friends, you feel like a sore loser (sorry Syazwan huhuhu).. I completely understand that..... percayalah
and some of you are okay with lessen amount of friends. Nobody in this world wants to live lonely.
I think I'd "matured" 5-8 years older than my "supposed" age... do the math if you had figured out how old I am this year. During the high school era, I'm always stay with my own-selves, doing my own things .... I'm an invisible ghetto that sings to myself.... just to content myself. Yes, I can sing... nobody knows. It doesn't mean I'm a negligence person, although I did make few severe mistakes.... I know it's regrettable... it's a history.. everybody moves on.
Due to my oddness... some of my girlfriends hates me. Mostly because I always manage to get away over my accidental misdemeanor... because teacher loves me *laugh* and on top of ice, few guys betting among themselves just to make me a heartbroken chick with a careful plan they'd made.... and its successfully struck my nerves and hates guy (and girls) even more...
but that time I'm a little immature... it did influences me about my relationship with men (cerita lain)I'll talk about men I'd knew in next few post... because it takes another huge effort to rant about it without crying myself in front of notebook *sigh* .. okay move on!
Since in my younger era I'm devoted to pursue my higher education... no special boyfriends in my personal goal that time (baik betul aku hohoho!!!). So I create my own activity like joining a celebrity fan club, doing HTML, T-shirt / PSD design, window shopping alone yadda... yadda
By that period I'd meet some people that I can call a true friends (gila aksi stunt aku buat tue!!), I think I'm struck a goldmine gitu... however am such a fool. Gila... I've been fooled hidup-hidup okay... I pernah hampir mati also.... but for sake of true friends, I take it as journey of living (sentimental sangat... bodoh betul :p).... I do realize something about this particular friend, he/she cannot bear on their mind to see me on top of them.... bukan so-called position "on top" opppsss!!! frankly speaking they must ensured themselves that they must be better than me... on everything.
Gila....
I know I'm physically disadvantage as a "flubber", I only got a small car paid monthly by my father... what kind of things they found in me that makes them feel threatened. So kesian hor !!! After considered the harsh word that couldn't "hurts" their feeling... so I called them a kiasu people... Chinese / Manglish knows it better than I do
- A kiasu claims that they are far beautiful person... but you ain't see them in cover of magazine...
- A kiasu claims to some of my other friend.. telling that I (Me) like this particular person tahap jatuh cinta... but kiasu said that particular person likes her/he (no reason obtained.. pasal fikir dia chantek jelah kut).. but I haven't seen them make out pun.... nasib baik that particular person yg kononnya dikata aku suka pun sama2 bastards, yang Si kiasu pun aku perasan masih contact dengan dia... pengsan mak !!!!
- A kiasu claims that they understand and knows you better in term of so-called advantage and disadvantage because you are their friend but without your consent or worst ...... you don't "realize" it.... they DID dares to tell everybody about your weakness... Over my dead body..... I don't call that a true friends. A true friends keep each other secret.. Buzz !!!!!!!!
- A kiasu complaints certain people attitude, appearance... unfortunately you'll find the kiasu is no difference at all... dua kali lima...
- A kiasu is a person that gila glamour, tries hard whoring themselves around... I don't gila glamour, I don't chase glamour-ity because I'm weired enough for being glamour.... on spot orang dah tahu aku gemuk hodoh.. see?.... see? that's a effortless compliant they gave to me... I don't have to be a "whore" .... shame ..shame you.... huhuuhuuh!!!
"My dad had gave me a warning when I'd entered college for my Diploma....
"kau tuh jgn masuk college sebab nak glamour je, Abah tampar kau... belajar betul-betul"
hebat ohhh my dad's drama.....
but... but.... I'm "born this way" to be glamour without any efforts.... huuuuuuuaaaa!!!!!!!!!!
6. A severe kiasu tries to tarnish your good name literally.... I've been badly affected... sial !
Don't call me an ironic.... my friends ramai macam nie... but some particular friends that you cares much it's actually a kiasu.. it's just unforgiven !!!! I realize that when I walk out with her/he.... it just makes them feel better... so the people looked that them first because I'm an ugly betty kan.... gila insecure punya kawan baik!!! Double back-stabber sungguh.. and I decide to stay low and that to ditching them slowly... recently I figured out what had actually makes her/he a kiasu from a trustee source.... damn I've been fooled for several years...
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Friends with benefits
I remember it well when my close colleagues express something to me that people do come and go in her life... I feel pity on her because there's a few friends comes in her life are the type of people that comes with their on personal benefits rather than befriends her for sake of friendship. I knew she's a lonely person and she need a friends. I was there for her but I keep my limits for not to be so close to her.. I just want it to make a steady connection and be professional everytime.
So, what had happened to her makes me sad. Few of my other colleagues pick an argument among themselves and normally you can see there's a few "groups" form... It's like a battlefield.... and they befriends with her so they can feel a bit eased after some serious action (they losing friends juga)... by that time she "left" me for this few colleagues befriend era ... they went out together, shopping together... like a best friend.... I'm happy for her, I don't mind for not befriends anyone in the office because I'm totally lone ranger so automatically I have the Chuck Norris alter-ego hahaha....
But within one or two month... everything went back to normal... unfortunately, they left my close colleague... doesn't care about her anymore... unlike what they did when they are together... my close colleague "comes back to me" (like I said... I have a steady professional relationship with her... no hurt feelings occurred)... she had learn something about a flash friendship with a friends like that... They come for her just for their on benefits... when we both left the office in vein, it went like nothing happened... unlike their own kind close colleague that left the office... gila bapak sedih betul.... kami nie..... speechless, ... takpe2 be professional ;)
What she'd occurred....... tak jauh beza to my personal experience in fact it just happened few months back.... my heart plays trick on me....
A friend comes to me.... because he's in lurch with his situations... so I'd offered a helping hand... even I've been accused non-sensibility by some other mates regarding his problem... it sounds devastated.. I couldn't express with words.. I keep everything it professional.... we're getting close, we're always together "professionally"... I thank him for the friendship.... because I know, when everything settled... they went back to their normal life... and they forgiving each other...... but they had forgetting one person...... me :(
There's another friend..... Tak sedar dia dah ditch aku.... Sanggup pulak calling me back.... needs some financial help from me..... I'm so damn hurt !!!!!!!!!!
There is one person in particular that I'm currently "losing it" ..... He comes in my life when I'm struggling to fit in with new bunch of people in a groups... he'd approach me, he's my close friend... I can feel it that he is there for me not because of his personal benefit... he's there for me because what I am.... I don't call him a boyfriend of my own because he don't deserve me... I can feel it.... we'd estranged for unknown reason, at this point I didn't wish to know why,
I have a doubt.... Because, It's gonna be me......
For what I can see.... His got a new meaningful life ahead and I must let him go. It's hard to do it it... because he's part of my life, (he's the one that comes to me)... thick and thin... If he sincerely want to be with me... I welcome him... because he haven't hurts my feeling although at one time we did quarrel on certain matters..... God really tested me really good this time... I've a severe emotions turbulence on my chest... :(
On my last birthday celebration I did tell my friends something..... the one that I scare about some friends are.... the one that come to me with their own benefit... there are no give and take... however most of the time I've been sulked with this kind of friends. There are one thing I could do.... walk away...
Last night, I'd cried while driving to home from a friends house...
feels dismay and hopeless.....
with lot's of burden on my shoulder right now...
I've to witness again the point of estrange in front of me....
I prayed its only my heart that play tricks on me...
Tears are just instantly burst out although I don't want it to.
I look myself on the mirror.... I wonder what values in me that makes people love me....
By now.... it's better for me to walk away....
How strong I can be just to walk away and move on....
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Friends with benefits
I remember it well when my close colleagues express something to me that people do come and go in her life... I feel pity on her because there's a few friends comes in her life are the type of people that comes with their on personal benefits rather than befriends her for sake of friendship. I knew she's a lonely person and she need a friends. I was there for her but I keep my limits for not to be so close to her.. I just want it to make a steady connection and be professional everytime.
So, what had happened to her makes me sad. Few of my other colleagues pick an argument among themselves and normally you can see there's a few "groups" form... It's like a battlefield.... and they befriends with her so they can feel a bit eased after some serious action (they losing friends juga)... by that time she "left" me for this few colleagues befriend era ... they went out together, shopping together... like a best friend.... I'm happy for her, I don't mind for not befriends anyone in the office because I'm totally lone ranger so automatically I have the Chuck Norris alter-ego hahaha....
But within one or two month... everything went back to normal... unfortunately, they left my close colleague... doesn't care about her anymore... unlike what they did when they are together... my close colleague "comes back to me" (like I said... I have a steady professional relationship with her... no hurt feelings occurred)... she had learn something about a flash friendship with a friends like that... They come for her just for their on benefits... when we both left the office in vein, it went like nothing happened... unlike their own kind close colleague that left the office... gila bapak sedih betul.... kami nie..... speechless, ... takpe2 be professional ;)
What she'd occurred....... tak jauh beza to my personal experience in fact it just happened few months back.... my heart plays trick on me....
A friend comes to me.... because he's in lurch with his situations... so I'd offered a helping hand... even I've been accused non-sensibility by some other mates regarding his problem... it sounds devastated.. I couldn't express with words.. I keep everything it professional.... we're getting close, we're always together "professionally"... I thank him for the friendship.... because I know, when everything settled... they went back to their normal life... and they forgiving each other...... but they had forgetting one person...... me :(
There's another friend..... Tak sedar dia dah ditch aku.... Sanggup pulak calling me back.... needs some financial help from me..... I'm so damn hurt !!!!!!!!!!
There is one person in particular that I'm currently "losing it" ..... He comes in my life when I'm struggling to fit in with new bunch of people in a groups... he'd approach me, he's my close friend... I can feel it that he is there for me not because of his personal benefit... he's there for me because what I am.... I don't call him a boyfriend of my own because he don't deserve me... I can feel it.... we'd estranged for unknown reason, at this point I didn't wish to know why,
I have a doubt.... Because, It's gonna be me......
For what I can see.... His got a new meaningful life ahead and I must let him go. It's hard to do it it... because he's part of my life, (he's the one that comes to me)... thick and thin... If he sincerely want to be with me... I welcome him... because he haven't hurts my feeling although at one time we did quarrel on certain matters..... God really tested me really good this time... I've a severe emotions turbulence on my chest... :(
On my last birthday celebration I did tell my friends something..... the one that I scare about some friends are.... the one that come to me with their own benefit... there are no give and take... however most of the time I've been sulked with this kind of friends. There are one thing I could do.... walk away...
Last night, I'd cried while driving to home from a friends house...
feels dismay and hopeless.....
with lot's of burden on my shoulder right now...
I've to witness again the point of estrange in front of me....
I prayed its only my heart that play tricks on me...
Tears are just instantly burst out although I don't want it to.
I look myself on the mirror.... I wonder what values in me that makes people love me....
By now.... it's better for me to walk away....
How strong I can be just to walk away and move on....
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