I'd received a completely forgotten of "past" memories in my dreams 2 days ago... the memories that makes me brainwashed myself in order for me to not remembered over the bitterness that happens during that period. I thought I'd succeed vanishing the memories and I wonder why that memories has been sent back to me... I hate it... hate it... seriously I didn't tell about my past even to my BFF because I'd "brainwashed" myself for not to remembering it.. and I did.. until 2 days ago...
Personally it's a BIG deal for me... I'll try to shared to you my scattered dreams according of what I'd managed to remember... because a year after that massacre, I'd burst out my super static power and brainwashed myself for not remembering it completely.
Personally it's a BIG deal for me... I'll try to shared to you my scattered dreams according of what I'd managed to remember... because a year after that massacre, I'd burst out my super static power and brainwashed myself for not remembering it completely.
Here's the situation, this matter happens during my schooling era (boarding school to be exact). I'm famously known as a freaking loner who speaks British English (and I'm losing the accent, too much American brainwashed I guess ;p) and my Malay Selangorian "accent" is freaking weired because I keep combining it with my Sabahan "accent". Knowing that my communication skills sucks BIG time... I'd decided to be a quiet girl and doing my own things without mingled up myself much with other friends except my classmates, debate teams & dorm mates.... although my relationships with them is not really work out pretty well due to my loner characteristic.I must admit that the boys that I'd known there (oh well...) are trying hard to teased me every single day. Me... being a loner never give a damn about it. Hence, I look stupid to notice the teasing "thing" because previously I'm studying in girls school and studying in school with multiple gender makes me a little irks, delirium, anxiety, scared etc. and my perceptions about the boys mostly confused me. I don't ask for attention because I was trying to be myself and my "being myself" acted maybe makes them annoyed with me and start to "play" my feelings.
After mid-June I'd started to received "love" letter from somebody that I didn't know... studying in a different disciplines (He's doing Civil Engineering and I'm in Electrical Engineering). Before he'd shown up himself to me... I'd keep receiving a "gift" from a secret admirer (whatever that means ;p)... I bet he's the one that sent the gift to me.. He never admit it. So fine.... beat it !!! I must have another secret admirers. Not to stir up things in here but few guys including few seniors do try to teased me (I don't want to pronounce it as "tackle" me... that's sound a little too far ;p). The outcome... I ain't bitching myself over guy. I might a lil' confuse over the guys "treat" on me during my schooling era.... that's why I'm staying single with lot's of scandal lingers in the air *bleh*. Not somethings that I asked for. I'm staying out from trouble.... as father had gave me his hardest warning about being a stubborn daughter and insist to studying in a boarding school.
Well, about that love letter... for those who studying in boarding school must be familiar with the origami of "love letter" in order to make the love letter "invisible" from the teacher's eye, and since the shape is very small (half of adult's hand palm), the receiver can kept it safely in the pocket or in a book... until today I still can't mastered that "love paper" origami... ah well I'm definitely not a creative minded during that days. I'd collected all his "love letter" and as far as I can remembered I ain't tell anyone about it.
When he began to expose himself.. I must admit that he's a fair, tall, good looking, well manned guy (damn... I couldn't believe his true color) ... If I'd say his name... all girls in Civil's engineering course might know him. I'm thankful to myself that I'm still "staying away" from love affairs with him. I couldn't remember how far our relationships goes. Because during that period I'm mostly hang out with my faithful close friends whom are a twins (and yeah.. they are "guy") and the Indian guys from the debate teams. They didn't know about the "affairs" I had with this Civil Eng. guy.
I thought that when my "relationship" with this Civil Eng. guy is getting closer, I might open my heart to accept him... because he had "work hard" to get my attention... I knew I'm not that prettiest girls in that school... why in the hell he wants "me" badly ?? I think during that time he "got" (the feelings.. not my body for God's sake !!!) my attention finally.. I don't know what I'd confessed to him. Whatever it is .. I'm fooled by him.
Two days (I think) before all the students leave for end of year holidays ... oh ya, I was in Form 4 that time.. I'd received his final letter that really breaks me apart. In that letter he said that he didn't love me at all, I'm not his type, I wasn't good enough for him yadda... yadda... and the reason why he tried to tackle me is because his friends had put a bet and challenged him to tackle me and makes me to like him. I was fooled and mad as hell.... the only thing I could do is crying myself until my dorm mates notice me and start to comfort me. I'd burned all of his letter and vowed to myself to never fall in love in anyone... What kind of mistakes I'd done to him that makes him become a heartless man to me??? Although he'd apologized in that letter... what is the point anyway ???
I didn't speak to him when we both in Form 5. I couldn't remember if I'd ever meet him during that period, maybe a little words like "hi"? I don't know... I'd become more quieter person and prefer to be more loner. My study is my biggest focus and making friends with the junior did ease my heart breaks. I finally able to forget him !!!
Before taking the SPM results, I was strolling in a shopping complex in Klang when somebody is calling me and comes to me.... I'm surprised that he comes to me. I was not prepared to that... somehow we managed to have a little chat. I'd sensed that he's feeling guilty for what he'd done to me... he looks nervous and his gestures is different from the time I'd known him. He did say something to me... something that sounds like he'd regret of what had happens... I couldn't remember what he'd said to me... my dreams shows all the details of it.. it's like a perfect replay of my memories. Somehow the peak of our last chat in Klang is the part the dreams start to scattered away. I woke up and cried. I remember I'd forgive him for everything he'd happens... but the scar is still there. I'd forgot this bitter memories for about 7 years but why it's coming back to me ???...
The dreams is so ironic it makes me feel a painful headache because I'm crying about it .... why does this memories comes back... is there a sign ???? God, please enlighten and content me :(
Two days (I think) before all the students leave for end of year holidays ... oh ya, I was in Form 4 that time.. I'd received his final letter that really breaks me apart. In that letter he said that he didn't love me at all, I'm not his type, I wasn't good enough for him yadda... yadda... and the reason why he tried to tackle me is because his friends had put a bet and challenged him to tackle me and makes me to like him. I was fooled and mad as hell.... the only thing I could do is crying myself until my dorm mates notice me and start to comfort me. I'd burned all of his letter and vowed to myself to never fall in love in anyone... What kind of mistakes I'd done to him that makes him become a heartless man to me??? Although he'd apologized in that letter... what is the point anyway ???
I didn't speak to him when we both in Form 5. I couldn't remember if I'd ever meet him during that period, maybe a little words like "hi"? I don't know... I'd become more quieter person and prefer to be more loner. My study is my biggest focus and making friends with the junior did ease my heart breaks. I finally able to forget him !!!
Before taking the SPM results, I was strolling in a shopping complex in Klang when somebody is calling me and comes to me.... I'm surprised that he comes to me. I was not prepared to that... somehow we managed to have a little chat. I'd sensed that he's feeling guilty for what he'd done to me... he looks nervous and his gestures is different from the time I'd known him. He did say something to me... something that sounds like he'd regret of what had happens... I couldn't remember what he'd said to me... my dreams shows all the details of it.. it's like a perfect replay of my memories. Somehow the peak of our last chat in Klang is the part the dreams start to scattered away. I woke up and cried. I remember I'd forgive him for everything he'd happens... but the scar is still there. I'd forgot this bitter memories for about 7 years but why it's coming back to me ???...
The dreams is so ironic it makes me feel a painful headache because I'm crying about it .... why does this memories comes back... is there a sign ???? God, please enlighten and content me :(
1 comment:
eemm...
ingat satu benda.
"masa lalu, ada dalam fikiran untuk kita kenang, untuk kita ambil iktibar, untuk kita jadikan pedoman juga, jadikan sebagai panduan"
tapi...
"masa lalu, bukan untuk kita takut untuk menempuhi masa depan, mahupun tak berani untuk lakukannya sekali lagi, kerana, setiap benda yang terjadi, terjadi berpandukan bermacam2 faktor.. bukan jatuh atas satu faktor tu saja."
yup. akku suka cakap, "kesalahan, kalau kita lakukan kali pertama, kita panggil kesilapan. tapi, kesilapan, kalau kita lakukan berulang kali, itu kita panggil kebodohan"
got meh malay word "kebodohan"? hahaha... (sbb kalau letak bodoh je, bunyi mcm tak cukup umph! :P)
tapi, in ur case, its different. first thing first, be ur self, and dont be affraid to fall in love again, again and again. (nisbah pon, 10 dalam 1000 tau yang end up with their first love! :) yg lain semua kena usaha n bercinta sampai bosan!) hehe... :P
and remember... d one yang will look stupid if they do d same mistake is not u. it's him :)
sebab, ko tergolong dalam golongan yang lain. ingat ayat di atas... :P : "setiap benda yang terjadi, terjadi berpandukan bermacam2 faktor.. bukan jatuh atas satu faktor itu saja."
:)
ko boleh buat kejadian tuh sebagai pedoman, tapi, jangan takut untuk cuba lagi :) sebab, ade ion-ion negatif dalam kejadian tuh tu pasal tak menjadi. hehe...
anyways, budak civil ehh? lelaki civil mmg tak semenggah lah! hahaha... zaman kita skolah dulu, like 80% nan ado beb! :) so, jangan sedeh towards something yang "nan-ado qualitynya!"
chill! :)
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