Broken Strings of love: If loving you was easy like 1, 2 & 3 (Part 2)

Okey..... sambung lagi..

One day after our heartbreaking conversation on the phone... I manage to get up and went back to work like usual ... I begin my routine by going to the canteen to grab something for breakfast where suddenly, my ex- crush's wife (my best buddies on FB as she'd claimed) comes to me delightfully, grabbing my arms, and say....

"Zizie.... I'm pregnant with my second baby !!!!!!!!!!!"

So.........

This is me......

I...... the girl that tries so hard to walk strong, suddenly felt a humongous brick crashing on my head. She'd come to me on a wrong day, time, moment or what so ever I could think off.  Dear Lord, what's with the continuous heartbreaking news ??? (actually there's a couple of bad news I'd received before this sort of event... but it's too private to shared to public, that includes a life-threatening disease).

I look at her, trying not to look aimless... hug her just to wish congratulations, and walks away rapidly from her to get back into my office and cried...... I'm thankful that my Lab coordinator and another lab team is all absent that day. I'm weeping for the whole day in front of my notebook day and, consuming half of tissue box. I'm in a complete mess. I'm NOT sad with the pregnancy news because I'm no longer have the feelings with Mr ex-crush. But I cried because of the fallen off my relationship with X.

The first week of heartbreak is hard for me.... I avoid people and friends. There is nobody I could trust to talk with... so I've kept everything alone, losing appetite, cries every night, filling the FB status with emotional quotes... some had figured out what happen to me but I tried to keep cool and telling them I'm okay...

Every single night I keep thinking all the memories we both had together... maybe not much, but every moment is intimate... 

1. Studying hard together..... only both of us in one table.

2. Dine-in together after class (Birthday, Ramadhan etc... etc..)

3. Sleep-over + studying together at the friend's house (with my other friends of course).

4. Meeting at the Masjid Subang before Tarawih prayer @ Ramadhan... (I couldn't forget this)

5. Car to car date...... (we sit down near to our car) ... we ended up chatting for few hours....

6. Cook for him and my friends, organizing a pot-luck party. Night movies....

7. He'd help me a lot when I having a pretty severe car accident... he'd sent me home in a heavy rain... and helped me financially.

A so-called "best friend" never do what he does for me.... It felt like he is my special ones. but I guess the good memories vanished quickly.... too quickly. I wish it all goes away... but I couldn't do that. It was a memory that clinches hard in me...  I might die to try let it go..

I come out to "public" on the second weeks to fulfill a request from a close friend (girl) that is eager to meet me... We've planned the dinner before my breakup with X. She's unaware that I was sobering for 2 weeks. She is also a close friend of him as well. 

My dinner with her turns out to be a counsellings session. Unable to finished my chicken salad *mind you I'm still losing food appetite*... I'd weep in front of her. She (previously did break up with a guy before) trying her best to cheer me up. She is one of my wiser friends... that night is just a girl talk and some window shopping. 

About 4 weeks later I find myself in dilemma. X and I have a business to deals with. Apparently, I realized that there is a payment cheque for him in my hand. I keep wondering why it happens now.... I'm not ready to go "face to face" with him... (We did talk again on a phone). But, my laboratory practice few cheque handlings protocols to the distributor... so I guess I have to sacrifices my feelings in the name of professionalism. It's a cruel world. The hardest part is, I am the one ended up volunteered to be sacrificed and burned.

The date and time have been set, (we'll meet after 5 pm to prevent any drama or..... you know) and he will come over to my office to collect the cheque. Waiting for him makes me having a heart rush. I was anxious, despair, sad, unprepared, cried, trembling. I look myself in the mirror. I look like a complete mess. Emergency make-up needed !!!!!

I thank God for am I quite busy that day... I actually have a meeting with another distributor and need to bring that distributor to my old faculty.... *oh yessss !!!!*

*the SMS comes in*................. it's from him.

Him: I'm here..... in front of your door already.

Noticing that he's already in front of my office.... I have to "let him in first"... while I have to go out and will be back in 30 minutes... I ask him to sit in my chair and wait for me......not much eye contact was done.... he nodded his head... understood!

after.............

 minutes.......

So.........

This is me *again*......

After my meeting, I walk along the corridor to my office, holding my own arms, shivering, heart pounding fast, and my vision starts to blur out.....

As I hesitantly touch my security card to the access device......

There goes the eye contact......... with the owner of a hazel's eye.

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Yup.... it's a windy 5 pm when we're both stare each other... I've nearly lost my composure.

It feels awkward in front of th door.... I could only utter:-

Me: "I'm sorry, to keep you waiting....."

Him: "It's ok.... busy sangat you"

He gave me his smile, little tired eyes I see ... I guess he did "slept" for few minutes waiting for me.... kesian (English: Pity you)!

At that time, my Lab Coordinator is also in the room, performing Asar prayer.... I bring him to the another room so we can talk more comfortably and "privately".

I couldn't remember much what we have talked about. But I noticed that he seems distracted.... we've talked for one hour... Naturally, I hate a distracted person (when I tried to make a conversation), I decided to "cut" the session and ask him to leave... I don't know what makes the distractions but it hurts me..... we're both not ready to talk much.....

I think I'm brave enough to sacrifice my own feeling and talk to him again..... I don't know why.

That day I didn't come home crying.... but feeling disdain.

There will be a part 3 of this confession... stay tuned.