It’s been a while I haven’t given myself a time to rant few things that has been bothering me for a while. I must admit that it’s hard to get up from an intense heartbreak. I figure out that I’m a normal girl after all since I’ve truly felt how bad the heartbreak is. Nor can I figure out the so-called adult male psychological / smirks or simply, their intention towards me. People said I’m pretty much stupid that I still gave him a space in my heart to remain friends. According to them I’m pretty much exposed the fragile side of me to bear more cuts that come from his side and my side too.
God said that I’m so special that makes Him to save the good man that will be destined to be with a little longer than anyone else. I hope that He’d lend me a strong armor as I've to dodge the weary question every single day as “waiting” to witness that guy will tie the knot with somebody else.
Nobody likes to be given a false hope. He gave me a false hope. I wish that my heart was stronger like when I was in 2002 - 2009. I was tough and committed towards my mission and dreams to only focus on learning rather that finding love. Until today, I couldn't hold my chin up when seeing his face because I was so brokenhearted. I’m so angry at myself that I couldn't longer influenced myself to be like Mother Teresa’s shining darlings by only serve people and God, not find the love of a man.
You might be shocked. I’m a Muslim and I’m learning to be a better devotees. A few years ago I’d said to myself, if no one could find me or the love I have in me, let me out of it so I can serve myself to God and the people. It’s okay for me to give love to others even though I couldn't understand how could I get that kind of love and affection for myself in returned. I've been living with total expectant that there will be someone that will come and love me. Snow White was so confident about it. I never think to scribble on how to lead my life if God actually didn't seal the fate that I’ll get married in this life. Nor did I think that I might accidentally kill myself (Accidentally eat a poisoned apple? Nah, I hate apple………. No pun intended) in order to make the guy realize that I’m indeed “belong” to him.
Forgive me for am I in a neurotic moment as I’ve spent 28 years of life by reading lot’s of cynical article to pluck out the single’s head like me and observe myself on why in the hell I was in deep in shit most of the time. It’s hard to live “unique” every single day. Watching me in front of the mirror and counting the days to see my face formed many ugly inherited coarse oil tags and permanent scar, flub arm and skin, a non-functioning female, older face, welcoming some severe disease, a fat ass until today, unwanted, lack of love… I wonder why I am this pathetic.
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